now what????

So it's been about a week following the race and I have no flippin clue what to do with myself.  Yes, I have a few other races planned, but I feel like so who the F*** cares, they are all shorter and some how "easier" in my mind.  I have done nothing but sit on my ass and eat and drink this week, and drink some more.....   I know the marathon was  huge accomplishment, and I am stoked at my overall performance.  But I feel like I should want more.  Is that reasonable? Or just foolishness?

Perhaps I should set goals on time now rather than distance?  Thoughts?  Suggestions?   I don't want to lose my mojo.  I am still planning a 4 mi race with Alan (husband) through an obstacle course, then a sprint tri with a friend from HS, a 50 mile bike, and another half marathon in Oct with a friend from college.  I just want to stay on track and have that mojo to do my best....  Any encouragement would be awesome.  Perhaps this post should just go to my coach to put me in my place, but I would love to hear other insight on what to next after "the big one".

anticipation

It is two days before the race and I will admit I am nervous.  First, I feel not so hot physically.  I seem to have caught a cold or triggered my allergies and now have resorted to keeping a box of kleenex in tow with me as I have travel from Chicago home and now today from Denver to Seattle to Missoula.  I am fuzzy headed from the OTC meds and am hoping I can wean myself from them in the next 24 hours.

The second aspect around the nerves seems to be from the looks of astonishment I get when I have told people I am running a marathon this weekend.  They are all very supportive and verbally extend a "good luck", "you can do it", blah, blah, blah.   But the looks on their face, well those are different.  Those seem to be saying "What a f***ing nut case", "why in the hell would you want to do that?", and my favorite was one person who immediately looked at his feet and shook their head after I told him.

So as I sit here waiting for my final flight that brings me closer to one of the biggest challenges of my life I am wondering whether or not to share my plans with others.

My anxiety level is high enough normally, I really don't need it fueled by outsiders questions of my sanity.

I keep telling myself its all good.  I will be fine.  I will feel better.  I will finish.  Uninjured.    I know what matters most is what I believe and know to be true, not what others perceive.

With that in mind, I probably won't chat it up at much over this next flight, but should someone ask why are you going to Missoula, I will answer, proudly to run my first marathon and to finish uninjured.

When the music dies....

Today was my final LONG run before the marathon next Sunday.  Twenty miles to be exact.  In all of my efforts to prepare for the run I had not realized that my iPhone had not charged properly the day before.  So this morning I delayed the start of my run to almost 8am and left with the phone 3/4 of way charged.

I got to the track and started running at 8am.  An hour and twelve minutes in, bam, phone dies!  So I finish my run (jog and a shitload of walking) in silence.  Three and half hours later as I come to finish I realize I was probably way more present during my run.  Focused on form or lack there of, keeping my arms, shoulders and neck loose, and just an overall presence of what was happening to me physically.  I was grotesquely hot, as it was over 95 degrees when I finished and the stickiness from all of the sunscreen was maddening.

At mile 18 I discovered two spots I had missed with body glide and the chaffing spots became pretty unbearable.  I literally had to beg myself to do 12 more laps to finish and telling myself to ignore the irritant.

So I sound pretty miserable right?  Yes, I was miserable, but amazed at the same time.  I was (am still) in awe of the fact that I went 20 miles.  Its something I have never done and honestly thought how is that possible?

So as I think about next week and taking on 26 miles, I am sure that I will probably at some point befriend some misery, but found that I can get through that by staying present and just taking it step by step.

its been awhile....

Its been over 30 days since I last posted, my bad.  I did complete my bike "race" which was more of a ride.  I decided a week before the race to not attempt the 100 miles and focus on completing the 34 mile ride.  I knew I had not properly prepared for a 100 mile distance and did not want to risk injury.  I have to say that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  The course was fairly challenging with lots of hills.   I don't mind the going up, as much as I mind the going down, that is terrifying....

Now to focus on my first marathon.   Its July 11th in Missoula, MT.  Twenty-four days and counting.  I have to admit I am pretty excited for this race.   Not that I will have some stellar smokin fast time, but that I will have accomplished something I thought was pretty much impossible for someone (me) who is labeled "not a runner".

I have been thinking about that label I gave myself, "not a runner".  Why would I do that???  Hmmm, because its easier to believe the bad rather than the good?  Because its easier to believe that something that is challenging is impossible?

Over the past few months as I started running consistently I have learned about perspective and what we tell ourselves.  First the amount of negative self talk that happens in my head, wow, let me just say is just annoying and soul crushing.  I have found that while running I must stay present and be my own best cheerleader, tellling myself that I can do this, to stay with it, ignore the tiredness, etc.    I realize now that I am a "runner".   Perhaps I will never be smokin fast, but that is okay.  What I have gained is a realistic perspective that if you put fear and negativity aside and focus on the present, the positive, and investing in yourself the impossible becomes possible.

taking a compliment

I find that taking a compliment is a really tough thing to do.  Today I had two friends post on my facebook status that they thought I was inspirational.  Rather than just say thanks and bask in their kindness I felt really weird about it.  I kept thinking, me inspirational?  Really?    I am not sure why it so tough for me to accept a compliment, I don't recall being overly rejected as a child, though I will admit, that parts of my childhood made me feel less than accepted.  But as an adult I guess you don't hear compliments like you did when you were a kid getting stickers saying WAY TO GO, YOU ROCK, YOU GO GIRL, or even better, YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION!

So after an hour of feeling really weird about the compliments I have let them soak in and I am smiling, thinking HELL YESS!  I DO ROCK!!!  :-) 

So thank you to Ashli, Joe, Cara and Dani for the Facebook stickers.  I really appreciate it.     I am happy to know that my posting about my crazy workouts motivates you to get moving too.  I want all of my friends to be happy and healthy.  In the end that is all that matters.

time to focus

Its been a while since I have last posted and I will have to admit I have become highly distracted with work, travel, kids, more work, and even reading a book.

Yesterday I finally (after many days off) got a work out in, 1 hour 45 minutes on a spin bike.  I got up on the bike and went to turn on my iphone to listen to music and whaddya know, I forgot to charge the damn thing.  So I sat there and debated, screw the work out, its hard to spin with no music and motivation, or suck it up and deal and ride any way.

So I stayed on the bike and people watched and listened the plethora of chatter in my wee little head.  Man I really have a lot going on in there.

What I realized though in that hour in forty five minutes was my struggle to FOCUS on the task at hand.  To stop and just think about riding that bike.  To use my legs all the way through the pedal stroke.  To keep my form strong, shoulders relaxed.    That aspect of the workout was 10x more taxing than the ride.

I guess in the world we live in today we live to be distracted.  With twitter, Facebook, IM, email, cell phones, etc, its rare that we just do one thing.  I am one of those multi-task until you drop kind of people, but this training made me stop and think, am I really being effective with all that sh** going on?

I am glad I stayed on the bike.  It made me think about when I am going to be out on the road, for 8+ hours, and I need to get real with myself and focus.

I am going to apply this more to my day to day activities and thoughts, adjusting to one thing at a time.

weather permitting

So the last 3 days here in lovely Colorado have not been great weather days, rain to SNOW to more rain.   Not seeing the sun for 3 days I will also admit makes just nuts.  So as an alternative I have worked out indoors at the gym and well, it kinda sucked.  I was so in the frame of mind that spring is here and now I can be out, but then I have to be back in....sigh.

Today I am supposed to get 30 miles in on the bike and I am staring at over cast skys and feeling the biting wind.  I think a double spin class followed by another 45minutes on my own will have to do.    I am too much of a wuss to deal with crap weather.